Reminiscing.

I have today off, and have spent some of it working on the second draft of LUCY GRIER (and intend to continue working on it), but thought I'd take a break and blog. Haven't done it for a while.

Lately, I've been reminiscing a bit about the past.

I mean, being of a certain age, you kind of do that a lot anyway, but it's been especially prominent lately. I think because I reconnected with someone I vaguely met over a decade ago, and our common (but brief) experiences have dug up some dusty memories.

It's hard not to get trapped in your memories - or to let them make you question everything about the path you're on now.

For instance, (re-)meeting this person has made me think about my time with a certain ministry that is almost (but not quite) a cult.

It's very confusing, the emotions this period of time brings up, because I was one of the ones who didn't realize the true nature of this place until a decade after the fact, so I was very happy while I was there. Some of my best friends came from that place, and I have quite a few fond memories.

But then there's the new and fresh bitterness and distrust of the teaching we got while we were there, and the vague wondering about everything that I have built into my beliefs since then - how can I test them all and make sure they weren't built on that false foundation? I *think* everything from that time has fallen away since then, but how can I be sure?

The same goes for when I think of past (almost) romances. One in particular, which was the closest I ever got to having a boyfriend. (Yes, you read that correctly - now move along.)

Thinking of him still brings up anger and bitterness, if more mild than it used to be. Yes, I have forgiven him - but how can I be sure that my new contentment with being single doesn't directly derive from cynicism or distrust espoused by him and the devastating hurt he caused me?

Or the lack of others to take his place?

Anyway, it makes you wonder if you're on the right path. Have I consciously chosen where I'm going and what I'm doing? Or am I just floating along, letting whatever come that may, and living a life of pure reaction?

I want a balance between the two - conscious choice married to flexible reaction. But is that what's happening? Or have I been caught up in the busyness of everything, resulting in a life devoted to nothing in particular?

(Whoah. Heavy. And I swear I haven't been drinking at all today. I'm also in a pretty good mood.)

Just been thinking, is all.


DCH.

What I'm listening to RIGHT now:

"Death And All His Friends" by Coldplay. (I was purely listening to all my Coldplay songs, on random - I swear!)